Beauty

There's something about this place I can't seem to leave beind. The fact that the love of my life lives up here I'm sure is a help...but it's just something about the mountains and the way a sense of "home" overcomes me when I come here that makes me never want to leave.

September I will be up here for good. He promised me.

I'm speaking of Burlington, Vermont. Though many have warned me that I, Florida native, will never survive a winter. I'm willing to try it, though. You never know, I might be tougher than they think.

I love him. I need no other person. I finally have the love of my life back and this time we've both vowed not to give up so easily.

I already miss his arms around me. All I want is to drive back home, curl up in his arms, and sleep for days. I'm so tired...the thought of returning to Florida makes me physically tired. All I want is to wake up every morning knowing that I'll either see his face or that he's only a 15 minute drive away.

I want to be there for good. I want it to be September so that I can be done with school and a job that is becoming more and more of a burden as the days pass.

I saw my first Vermont sunset last night. The sun slipped quietly behind the mountains as it splashed purples and pinks into a cotton-cloud sky right next to the base. I sat on a rock near the edge of the lake and watched the gold light fade away. As I walked back to the car to wait for him to come get me, I watched some people playing frizbee and a young girl play fetch with a dog that had a cat-like gait. I listened in on a few people as they pointed out the Coast Guard boat going out and I smiled to myself, knowing that they would never understand the meaning of loving someone that was in that service.

I can't wait to be one of those Burlington residents playing with my dog out by the lake as the sun paints its canvas in the sky. I can't wait for September.

The Value of a Life

Some people just don't deserve to have the love of a dog.

Splash. A Portugese Water Dog. My personal favorite at the kennel. I spent time with him, played with him, and was getting ready to work on his obedience training because the owner had decided she didn't want him and was going to leave him at the kennel until a home was found for him.

I spent extra time in his kennel because he was nervous all the time. The owner said he was "aggressive" because he bit the son. No one at the kennel believed it. He was a sweetheart to the core, though you had to work a little for his attention sometimes. He loved me and I would have taken him home in an instant.

This morning I came in and he wasn't in his cage where I left him last night. Curiously, his bed and favorite bone were still in the food room. So I asked Jaime if maybe he found a home. I was hopeful.

I was crushed. They euthanized him because his owner decided she didn't want him and she didn't want to pay to kennel him anymore.

I bawled for a good hour before I became enraged. I swear if that woman comes back to the kennel I will deck her. If not more.

Animals. Are not. Disposable.

What makes me angrier is I couldn't save him. I couldn't even be there for him so he had someone there that loved him when he went. I feel like it's my fault because I didn't know in time to stop them. I would have taken him and fostered him. Screw maintenance I can pay them off to keep their traps shut for the few weeks I have left here. Any one of the kennel crew would have worked their asses off to find him a home had we known what the owner was going to do.

I hate people. I really, really do. I'm furious. And I feel guilty as hell. Though happy things happened today I can't seem to get them to cover the fact that a dog was killed much before his time.

People make me sick.

Love, Reign O'er Me...

Oh my god...I want everyone to know what an awesome friend I have in Alyse. I literally have tears streaming down my face right now because she wrote me this beautiful letter.

It's funny that she wrote something this deep to me today of all days...because as I was driving home to my apartment I realized something...it's not Gainesville that makes me feel so at home. It's Alyse. And I realized at that moment that I would follow her to the ends of the earth if nessisary. Because I love her that much.

And here is just one example of why...

Keels,

I know that you feel that many people don’t love you or just love you because of what you can do for them. I know it sucks that your family is giving you a hard time about your dad and your mom isn’t exactly there for you right now.

You know what makes us friends? Because not only to I know all this, I share all this. Everything that you do, I share. Your pain, your laughter, your anger, I feel it. When something bad happens to you I feel literal pain in my heart. I am not sure about what is out there, God, destiny, fate, or the cosmos. But what I am sure of is that we were supposed to meet. We were supposed to be friends. We were supposed to be in each others lives.

I truly do believe that we are linked in one way or another. We are the same spirit with different bodies and families. Since all of these people have been giving you a reason to hate yourself, I figured I would give you what I think of you. I think that you are an amazing person on the inside. Your willingness to be there for people at the drop of a hat, your weird humor that completely compliments mine, your sweetness that makes every day a little brighter. You have this ability to make me feel better in any situation and for that I am truly grateful.

Now, on the outside, you need some work because no one wants a friend who, when you are compared next to, you are absolutely outshined. You are truly beautiful in every sense of the word and your eyes have a warmth to them that I have yet to find in any other human being. I know that this sounds like a love letter, and it kind of is. Because the truth is that I couldn’t possibly love someone more than I love you. You not only let me be strange and crazy, you hop on for the ride.

Everyday I thank God for meeting you because I truly couldn’t imagine my life without you. Who else can so beautifully love Anthony Hopkins while eating phish food and hate on real life men with me? Without you I would have no one to throw my head back and laugh or rest my head on and cry. You amaze me in every way and everyday. When I see pictures of us, which we need more of, I find myself smiling for memories that have long past and in anticipation of more to come.


Remember, when someone makes you feel as if your are worthless or make you doubt the reason you are here, please think of me and how much you mean to me. I really don’t think two friends on this earth could be closer, especially when two hours of distance divides them. Thank you so much for seriously always being there when I need you and being there when I don’t. Friendship isn’t just about needing people and they come, its about wanting people and loving them. I do all three in your case.

I am so happy that you are in my life and wish you could see how incredible you are. I really honestly couldn’t ask for a better friend. I thought life was going to turn out so different. I thought that I was going to marry Darin, you were going to marry Trey, we were going to be good friends, have everything be the same as high school.

But expectations are not always met. In fact they hardly ever are, at least in our lives. But the only thing that did stay through the move to college and new life, was our friendship. We used to fight a lot and because of that I figured that being two hours away would put us at a comfortable, see you at Christmas, distance. But instead, when all of our expectations fell, we were left, holding each other up. I cant believe what a friend you are, the absolute best, and I am so lucky to still have you.

I am sorry for anytime that I have made you feel like you are not worth my love because in truth, you own all of it. I love you so much and it makes me sick to think of my life without you in it. You are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, kind, sweet, kick ass, sassy, my best friend, and me all in one. Even when no one else seems to, please know that I love you so much and am so happy to never be alone because you have the other part of my spirit. You are so special to me and I hope that you feel like the best person in the world…because you deserve to. I love you honey.

Lysie Shae







I may live on the streets one day, but as long as I have her friendship, I'll be the richest person in the world.

I love you Alyse.

Confetti Not Mandatory

Happy 19th birthday to me. As one of my boys said, I can now do everything I was able to do at 18.

Such a disappointment. Only one more year to be considered a teenager. At least that's somewhat of a plus.

Just Keep Swimming...

If life had a steel-toed boot and I had a set of testicles, they would be meeting each other right now.

Whisky and Cigarettes

Blonde haired beauty
With a crack in her smile
She's been through more than you'd know
That blonde haired beauty
Has walked a mile
In shoes with no sole

She's got a lot on her mind
But you'd never know
She's got a lot on her mind
But all that will show

Whisky and cigarettes
Are lingering on her breath
Yeah, Jim Beam gives her time to dream
While the world turns its back on her
Time and time again

This blonde haired beauty
Knows just what she's worth
But the blonde haired beauty
Never gets what she deserves

Whisky and cigarettes
Are lingering on her breath
Yeah, Jim Beam gives her time to dream
While the world turns its back on her
Time and time again

And she turns back to fight
For what she deserves
She tries to demand it
But every time,
She comes up empty handed...

Whisky and cigarettes
They're the penance for no sin
Whisky and cigarettes
'Cause Heaven won't let her in

Whisky and cigarettes
Are lingering on her breath
And she curses Jim Beam for selling her a dream
That turned its back on her, too

The Perfect Man

Do you exist?

I want someone that will hold me while I cry. Someone that will kiss my forehead and look into my eyes and say he loves me while tears stream down my face.

I want someone that will respect my privacy.

I want someone that is strong enough to carry me when I fall.

I want someone that I can call at 3am to rescue me because I was stupid enough to think that my car could drive that far on empty.

I want someone that will actually defend me when someone wrongs me, not just say they will.

I want someone that will give me my space when I need it, without making me feel bad.

I want someone that will write me notes. I love notes. And not overly sappy ones that make me feel like I need to shower off the sticky sweetness. Just notes.

I want someone that understands that phonecalls should last no longer than a minute if at all possible.

I want someone that loves animals. Specifically dogs. That's a must.

I want someone that knows what they want to do in life. If I can have a plan for life, so can you.

I want someone that loves wide open spaces. Living in the country, but still close enough that a mall is 20 minutes away.

No. Emo. Kids. Stop thinking the world is out to get you. You make me want to stab my eyes out.

I want someone that isn't afraid to get into an insult match. Humor is a requirement in life. Without it, life sucks.

I want someone that's not afraid to fight with me. Grow some balls and yell at me if I do something bitchy!

I want someone that makes me mix CDs that mean something to them. I love music, and a lot of times music I play has lyrics that mean something. I'd like a guy that can appreciate my love for music.

I want someone that will go out of their way for me. Not all the time, because that's ridiculous. But every once and awhile.

I want someone that will show up at my door and appologize when they've done something wrong. Again, not every time, but maybe once.

I have a bad boy fetish...

I also think black tattoos on one shoulder blade is about the hottest thing in the world.

I love lean muscle. Not bulky body builder crap. Lean muscle. Mmmm.

I love longish hair.

Guys that are good with kids = major points.

Guys that have a kid = adorable.

I love a guy that can dance!


...and that's what I have thought of for now.

There is probably no guy that can fill all of this. But a girl can always dream.

Be careful what you wish for

I've always been a fan of trinkets. Especially those with symbolism of the mystical or spiritual sort.

I also have a love for Medieval Faires. To be able to go back in time (without that silly plague business) and see the beautiful clothing and hear the talk is amazing. I love the feeling, the atmosphere, that is at each Medieval Faire I go to.

This one was no different. I arrived with one of my old best friends that afternoon, mother in tow, and began galavanting about. We bought many things we'd never use and took many pictures that to this day, though our friendship has ended, make me smile happily in rememberance.

After getting our tarot cards read, we headed over to a booth where a lady with oversized breasts shoved in an undersized corset was selling trinkets. There were many things that could have caught my attention at this booth, but I was instantly mesmerised by one of the simplest items she had on display. It was a little heart-shaped locket that seemed to be made of metal vines. Inside the locket, through the vines, you could see a pink heart. As I read what was written on its little box, I found that it was a "heart's desire" locket. The idea was to hold the little pink heart and wish for the things you most desired. Then you would put it into the metal vine locket and it would come true.

It sounded silly, but something got me to produce the mere five dollars it cost and hand it over to the large-breasted woman.

That night, after the Faire, I put the necklace on, and took out the little pink heart. I held it in my hands, closed my eyes, and wished for two things: acceptance into the school of my choice, and a love to make me forget the one that had treated me so badly. Then I placed the little pink heart back into its cozy entrapment.

I don't know how much later it was that it happened, but one day that old friend of mine and a boy that I had known since my sophmore year at high school went out to the ranch in Arcadia. We wrestled around and climbed trees and did all kinds of silly things that the city now witholds from me. At one point, after knocking the boy to the ground, I subconsiously reached for my necklace. I realized something was wrong. The clasp had come undone, and I had lost the little pink heart.

At first I was devastated. Would I never have my heart's desire? We searched for a good half hour for that little pink heart, but it was nowhere to be found. Then a second thought came to mind. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe I didn't need my heart's desire anymore because it had come true.

A few weeks later, I recieved my final acceptance letter. I had gotten into every school I applied.

Also, the boy had become my boyfriend. And I did love him very much.

He was there though a trying time in my life and stood by me as I made my stupid mistakes over and over. He didn't give up on me when I fell for my old lover again. He held on strong.

Finally I woke up one day in my apartment and realized that I was actually over the old lover. It was one of the happiest days I had ever experienced.

It was also almost certainly the day everything started going sour with the boy I had fallen so hard for.

I realize now that I wasn't clear enough with my wish. I wished for someone to help me forget the love I had with the old boy. However, I forgot to wish for a love that would stay.

After a few months of fighting, a lie ended the relationship. And now I stand again, wishing to shake my fist at the little pink heart that tricked me. That little clasp that made me believe. They had both tricked me into temporary happiness.

And now I sit at my apartment alone, uncertain of my future. I may be losing my scholarship to this school of my dreams. Though I asked for acceptance, I failed to ask to stay.

I have been defeated by a little pink heart in a little metal locket. What a silly way to lose it all.

The freedom I feel is so refreshing...

Contemplation

I love country music. And getting stuck behind a caravan of horses that stops traffic, instead of the usual grind of stupidity in cars on I4. I miss falling asleep to crickets instead of music blaring from the neighbors above or beside me. I miss going out at night and walking in the pastures with the horses and hugging their necks when I'm upset. I miss my boys...I want to find a way to go visit my old horse, James. He was so gorgeous. I miss the freedom of the country. The clean air, the horseback riding, the taste of Smokehouse in the morning. I miss high school sometimes, where the biggest worry was who was dating who, and if the rednecks were starting shit with the blacks again.

I miss the trucks covered in mud from a weekend out mudding. I miss the football games that 90% of the town attended. The kettle corn at the county fair, and the bull riding at Maverick's during the summer before dancing to a down home country band doing covers of favorite country songs. I miss not being able to go anywhere without seeing twenty people you knew. I miss the little mall where everyone hung out in the food court, then Wal-Mart until 2am. I miss the scavenger hunts up and down 41.

I miss a lot. Being in Orlando is getting to be almost too much sometimes. Maybe I should transfer somewhere that I'm happier. At the same time, though, I love my independence. I love the small group of friends I have up here. I love driving on hills instead of the flat of south Florida. I love UCF, even though right now it's tough. I love the football games here that, even though we know we'll most likely lose, we all come in rooting as hard as we can, dressed in rediculous outfits.

I can't wait to be done, sometimes. I love college and all, but I can't wait to get back to being in a smaller town. A country town. Somewhere I can feel I belong again.

Soon, soon.

Sigh...

I fell in love today. She is so beautiful. Yes, she. She has gorgeous red hair with some black...the most soulful brown eyes...and the most adorable smile.

When I met her today I had no intention of falling so soon. But I couldn't resist that little wag of a tail.

She is a shepard mix at AWL. Gorgeous. She runs with me when I want to run, but as soon as I sit down she curls up beside me. She's perfect. The only problem is my current apartment isn't pet friendly. So I'm trying desperatly to find a way to get her and get out of my current living situation. I love her to death and she's everything I've been looking for. I just hope I can find a way to get her before someone else does...

Fuck.

Somehow everything I say seems to come out wrong.

Fuck.

God damn my stupid pride. My inability to convey exactly what needs to be said when it needs to be said, not hours or possibly days later. God damn my inability to take anything that people say correctly. My ability to hear something and turn it completely the wrong way.

I really, really just need to not talk to people when I'm upset.

Truth

Sometimes I wish I could get into people's heads. Figure out what they're thinking, the reasons they do what they do. I wish I could figure out if the words that come out of their mouths match up with the words spinning in their minds. Is what they tell me true? Or only something to satisfy what they consider to be my needs at the time?

I wonder, if I could read minds, how many people I would still be able to call my true friends.

Not being able to sleep is extremely inconvenient.

Echoes...a song.

I hear the echoes,
The echoes and I swear it's your voice
I walk these halls and I feel,
I can feel you
But it's been so long since your eyes became cold
So many stories you've left untold
And I wish I could feel more than

The echoes,
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
Races as I'm pacing through
These halls,
The ones once shared with you
And I feel I'll never be as good as you

I walk this path,
I find the way to your name
It's written on a stone,
Stones don't speak but it speaks to me
And I wish that I'd known you better
But some things can never be

The echoes,
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
Races as I'm pacing through
Tese halls,
The ones onces shared with you
And I feel I'll never be as good as you
I just wish I could ever be as good as you

I feel them pressing in on me
And I wish you were here, we'd escape
You'd be my angel again
Just like she said you were...

The echoes...[x3]

The echoes,
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
Races as I'm pacing through
These halls,
The ones once shared with you
And I feel I'll never be as good as you
But the echoes
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
I'm going crazy as I pace
These halls
And I wish I had more time to share with you
Because you were the best I ever knew

And all I want is to be as good as you.

Echoes

Andrew Ryan Bess.

Sometimes when I walk the halls and walkways of UCF I start to think about Andrew. I wonder if some of the footsteps I take are in sync with the echoes of his from 4 years ago. I wonder if he felt the same apprehension I feel going into an exam, or if he felt calm and collected. I wonder if maybe I have sat in a desk that he sat in.

Sometimes I wonder what he was thinking right before he died. What kind of thoughts can you have as your car spins out of control?

I torment myself sometimes for not knowing him well enough. For assuming that he would always be there. After all, someone that kind and that full of life can never die...

But I suppose he really hasn't. As long as I keep thinking about him and talking about him, he hasn't really gone.

I wonder if I listened close enough, if I could hear the echoes of the past and maybe be lucky enough to catch a whisper of his voice. I find myself reading articles about his death, if only to learn just a little more about him, and what happened that day in November. Twenty-one is much too young to end a life.

I never knew enough about him. I feel I never will. It's like trying to put together a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle with only 10 or 20 pieces and no picture to guide me.

My Aunt seems to think that I am the most like him. I suppose, then, by knowing myself I'll be able to find another piece of the puzzle. But no one is exactly the same. It's still not enough.

Sometimes I feel that I have no right to mourn for him because I know so little about him. I wish that I knew more.

I walk the halls of this place, hoping maybe I'll hear an echo. Or maybe just hoping somehow that walking the same halls that he did, I will learn something more about him.

Sometimes I search the internet, hoping to grasp onto something more of him. But the only things I find are those about his death. There is almost nothing about his life, except the reminiscing of friends and family recorded in obituaries and newspaper articles. This is not enough for me.

I wish I could write a book about him. A book about his life, not his death. For once, give him life in something written that is not focused solely on the day that he died. There should be something out there about him that isn't simply an obituary or an article about his wake or a candlelight vigil. Or perhaps a movie or just something that sheds some kind of light on the amazing person that he was.

Somehow, I will find a way to get to know him. Even though he himself can no longer sit down and tell me about his life, I will find a way to meet him again through the people who knew him. He deserves nothing less.

The temperature is mocking me. Thank god for hot showers.

Mobile blogging. I am now inexcusably forced to never forget anything.

I have done nothing productive for the last three hours.

Nothing productive ever comes to pass when I have a computer at my fingertips. Especially not when said computer has an internet connection, and at least one person willing to talk on instant messenger for hours on end.

It really shouldn't be this chilly in Florida. Granted, it is January, so we are much overdue for cold weather, but I still see anything below 50 degrees as slightly rediculous. That and losing feeling in the tip of my nose and my extremeties is not exactly endearing. It shouldn't be this cold unless something enjoyable can come from it. Like snow. Snow would make losing the feeling in my fingers and my toes worthwhile.

It's also quite inconvenient that every time I attempt to turn on the heat the smoke alarm screams at me like an angry old woman. The smoke alarm is very rude. Sometimes it complains about my cooking, too.

I still have forty pages to read and understand in my Psychology book before my test tomorrow at 12.

I need to do something productive. Like put more seemingly inteligent pink lines of hilighter across the pages of the book. Maybe if it looks like I did something I can trick my mind into thinking I remember everything I hilighted.

But then again, maybe not.

I'm going to go do something productive now. At least for a little while.