The freedom I feel is so refreshing...

Contemplation

I love country music. And getting stuck behind a caravan of horses that stops traffic, instead of the usual grind of stupidity in cars on I4. I miss falling asleep to crickets instead of music blaring from the neighbors above or beside me. I miss going out at night and walking in the pastures with the horses and hugging their necks when I'm upset. I miss my boys...I want to find a way to go visit my old horse, James. He was so gorgeous. I miss the freedom of the country. The clean air, the horseback riding, the taste of Smokehouse in the morning. I miss high school sometimes, where the biggest worry was who was dating who, and if the rednecks were starting shit with the blacks again.

I miss the trucks covered in mud from a weekend out mudding. I miss the football games that 90% of the town attended. The kettle corn at the county fair, and the bull riding at Maverick's during the summer before dancing to a down home country band doing covers of favorite country songs. I miss not being able to go anywhere without seeing twenty people you knew. I miss the little mall where everyone hung out in the food court, then Wal-Mart until 2am. I miss the scavenger hunts up and down 41.

I miss a lot. Being in Orlando is getting to be almost too much sometimes. Maybe I should transfer somewhere that I'm happier. At the same time, though, I love my independence. I love the small group of friends I have up here. I love driving on hills instead of the flat of south Florida. I love UCF, even though right now it's tough. I love the football games here that, even though we know we'll most likely lose, we all come in rooting as hard as we can, dressed in rediculous outfits.

I can't wait to be done, sometimes. I love college and all, but I can't wait to get back to being in a smaller town. A country town. Somewhere I can feel I belong again.

Soon, soon.

Sigh...

I fell in love today. She is so beautiful. Yes, she. She has gorgeous red hair with some black...the most soulful brown eyes...and the most adorable smile.

When I met her today I had no intention of falling so soon. But I couldn't resist that little wag of a tail.

She is a shepard mix at AWL. Gorgeous. She runs with me when I want to run, but as soon as I sit down she curls up beside me. She's perfect. The only problem is my current apartment isn't pet friendly. So I'm trying desperatly to find a way to get her and get out of my current living situation. I love her to death and she's everything I've been looking for. I just hope I can find a way to get her before someone else does...

Fuck.

Somehow everything I say seems to come out wrong.

Fuck.

God damn my stupid pride. My inability to convey exactly what needs to be said when it needs to be said, not hours or possibly days later. God damn my inability to take anything that people say correctly. My ability to hear something and turn it completely the wrong way.

I really, really just need to not talk to people when I'm upset.

Truth

Sometimes I wish I could get into people's heads. Figure out what they're thinking, the reasons they do what they do. I wish I could figure out if the words that come out of their mouths match up with the words spinning in their minds. Is what they tell me true? Or only something to satisfy what they consider to be my needs at the time?

I wonder, if I could read minds, how many people I would still be able to call my true friends.

Not being able to sleep is extremely inconvenient.

Echoes...a song.

I hear the echoes,
The echoes and I swear it's your voice
I walk these halls and I feel,
I can feel you
But it's been so long since your eyes became cold
So many stories you've left untold
And I wish I could feel more than

The echoes,
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
Races as I'm pacing through
These halls,
The ones once shared with you
And I feel I'll never be as good as you

I walk this path,
I find the way to your name
It's written on a stone,
Stones don't speak but it speaks to me
And I wish that I'd known you better
But some things can never be

The echoes,
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
Races as I'm pacing through
Tese halls,
The ones onces shared with you
And I feel I'll never be as good as you
I just wish I could ever be as good as you

I feel them pressing in on me
And I wish you were here, we'd escape
You'd be my angel again
Just like she said you were...

The echoes...[x3]

The echoes,
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
Races as I'm pacing through
These halls,
The ones once shared with you
And I feel I'll never be as good as you
But the echoes
They haunt me as I think of you
My mind,
I'm going crazy as I pace
These halls
And I wish I had more time to share with you
Because you were the best I ever knew

And all I want is to be as good as you.