Beauty

There's something about this place I can't seem to leave beind. The fact that the love of my life lives up here I'm sure is a help...but it's just something about the mountains and the way a sense of "home" overcomes me when I come here that makes me never want to leave.

September I will be up here for good. He promised me.

I'm speaking of Burlington, Vermont. Though many have warned me that I, Florida native, will never survive a winter. I'm willing to try it, though. You never know, I might be tougher than they think.

I love him. I need no other person. I finally have the love of my life back and this time we've both vowed not to give up so easily.

I already miss his arms around me. All I want is to drive back home, curl up in his arms, and sleep for days. I'm so tired...the thought of returning to Florida makes me physically tired. All I want is to wake up every morning knowing that I'll either see his face or that he's only a 15 minute drive away.

I want to be there for good. I want it to be September so that I can be done with school and a job that is becoming more and more of a burden as the days pass.

I saw my first Vermont sunset last night. The sun slipped quietly behind the mountains as it splashed purples and pinks into a cotton-cloud sky right next to the base. I sat on a rock near the edge of the lake and watched the gold light fade away. As I walked back to the car to wait for him to come get me, I watched some people playing frizbee and a young girl play fetch with a dog that had a cat-like gait. I listened in on a few people as they pointed out the Coast Guard boat going out and I smiled to myself, knowing that they would never understand the meaning of loving someone that was in that service.

I can't wait to be one of those Burlington residents playing with my dog out by the lake as the sun paints its canvas in the sky. I can't wait for September.

The Value of a Life

Some people just don't deserve to have the love of a dog.

Splash. A Portugese Water Dog. My personal favorite at the kennel. I spent time with him, played with him, and was getting ready to work on his obedience training because the owner had decided she didn't want him and was going to leave him at the kennel until a home was found for him.

I spent extra time in his kennel because he was nervous all the time. The owner said he was "aggressive" because he bit the son. No one at the kennel believed it. He was a sweetheart to the core, though you had to work a little for his attention sometimes. He loved me and I would have taken him home in an instant.

This morning I came in and he wasn't in his cage where I left him last night. Curiously, his bed and favorite bone were still in the food room. So I asked Jaime if maybe he found a home. I was hopeful.

I was crushed. They euthanized him because his owner decided she didn't want him and she didn't want to pay to kennel him anymore.

I bawled for a good hour before I became enraged. I swear if that woman comes back to the kennel I will deck her. If not more.

Animals. Are not. Disposable.

What makes me angrier is I couldn't save him. I couldn't even be there for him so he had someone there that loved him when he went. I feel like it's my fault because I didn't know in time to stop them. I would have taken him and fostered him. Screw maintenance I can pay them off to keep their traps shut for the few weeks I have left here. Any one of the kennel crew would have worked their asses off to find him a home had we known what the owner was going to do.

I hate people. I really, really do. I'm furious. And I feel guilty as hell. Though happy things happened today I can't seem to get them to cover the fact that a dog was killed much before his time.

People make me sick.

Love, Reign O'er Me...

Oh my god...I want everyone to know what an awesome friend I have in Alyse. I literally have tears streaming down my face right now because she wrote me this beautiful letter.

It's funny that she wrote something this deep to me today of all days...because as I was driving home to my apartment I realized something...it's not Gainesville that makes me feel so at home. It's Alyse. And I realized at that moment that I would follow her to the ends of the earth if nessisary. Because I love her that much.

And here is just one example of why...

Keels,

I know that you feel that many people don’t love you or just love you because of what you can do for them. I know it sucks that your family is giving you a hard time about your dad and your mom isn’t exactly there for you right now.

You know what makes us friends? Because not only to I know all this, I share all this. Everything that you do, I share. Your pain, your laughter, your anger, I feel it. When something bad happens to you I feel literal pain in my heart. I am not sure about what is out there, God, destiny, fate, or the cosmos. But what I am sure of is that we were supposed to meet. We were supposed to be friends. We were supposed to be in each others lives.

I truly do believe that we are linked in one way or another. We are the same spirit with different bodies and families. Since all of these people have been giving you a reason to hate yourself, I figured I would give you what I think of you. I think that you are an amazing person on the inside. Your willingness to be there for people at the drop of a hat, your weird humor that completely compliments mine, your sweetness that makes every day a little brighter. You have this ability to make me feel better in any situation and for that I am truly grateful.

Now, on the outside, you need some work because no one wants a friend who, when you are compared next to, you are absolutely outshined. You are truly beautiful in every sense of the word and your eyes have a warmth to them that I have yet to find in any other human being. I know that this sounds like a love letter, and it kind of is. Because the truth is that I couldn’t possibly love someone more than I love you. You not only let me be strange and crazy, you hop on for the ride.

Everyday I thank God for meeting you because I truly couldn’t imagine my life without you. Who else can so beautifully love Anthony Hopkins while eating phish food and hate on real life men with me? Without you I would have no one to throw my head back and laugh or rest my head on and cry. You amaze me in every way and everyday. When I see pictures of us, which we need more of, I find myself smiling for memories that have long past and in anticipation of more to come.


Remember, when someone makes you feel as if your are worthless or make you doubt the reason you are here, please think of me and how much you mean to me. I really don’t think two friends on this earth could be closer, especially when two hours of distance divides them. Thank you so much for seriously always being there when I need you and being there when I don’t. Friendship isn’t just about needing people and they come, its about wanting people and loving them. I do all three in your case.

I am so happy that you are in my life and wish you could see how incredible you are. I really honestly couldn’t ask for a better friend. I thought life was going to turn out so different. I thought that I was going to marry Darin, you were going to marry Trey, we were going to be good friends, have everything be the same as high school.

But expectations are not always met. In fact they hardly ever are, at least in our lives. But the only thing that did stay through the move to college and new life, was our friendship. We used to fight a lot and because of that I figured that being two hours away would put us at a comfortable, see you at Christmas, distance. But instead, when all of our expectations fell, we were left, holding each other up. I cant believe what a friend you are, the absolute best, and I am so lucky to still have you.

I am sorry for anytime that I have made you feel like you are not worth my love because in truth, you own all of it. I love you so much and it makes me sick to think of my life without you in it. You are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, kind, sweet, kick ass, sassy, my best friend, and me all in one. Even when no one else seems to, please know that I love you so much and am so happy to never be alone because you have the other part of my spirit. You are so special to me and I hope that you feel like the best person in the world…because you deserve to. I love you honey.

Lysie Shae







I may live on the streets one day, but as long as I have her friendship, I'll be the richest person in the world.

I love you Alyse.

Confetti Not Mandatory

Happy 19th birthday to me. As one of my boys said, I can now do everything I was able to do at 18.

Such a disappointment. Only one more year to be considered a teenager. At least that's somewhat of a plus.

Just Keep Swimming...

If life had a steel-toed boot and I had a set of testicles, they would be meeting each other right now.

Whisky and Cigarettes

Blonde haired beauty
With a crack in her smile
She's been through more than you'd know
That blonde haired beauty
Has walked a mile
In shoes with no sole

She's got a lot on her mind
But you'd never know
She's got a lot on her mind
But all that will show

Whisky and cigarettes
Are lingering on her breath
Yeah, Jim Beam gives her time to dream
While the world turns its back on her
Time and time again

This blonde haired beauty
Knows just what she's worth
But the blonde haired beauty
Never gets what she deserves

Whisky and cigarettes
Are lingering on her breath
Yeah, Jim Beam gives her time to dream
While the world turns its back on her
Time and time again

And she turns back to fight
For what she deserves
She tries to demand it
But every time,
She comes up empty handed...

Whisky and cigarettes
They're the penance for no sin
Whisky and cigarettes
'Cause Heaven won't let her in

Whisky and cigarettes
Are lingering on her breath
And she curses Jim Beam for selling her a dream
That turned its back on her, too

The Perfect Man

Do you exist?

I want someone that will hold me while I cry. Someone that will kiss my forehead and look into my eyes and say he loves me while tears stream down my face.

I want someone that will respect my privacy.

I want someone that is strong enough to carry me when I fall.

I want someone that I can call at 3am to rescue me because I was stupid enough to think that my car could drive that far on empty.

I want someone that will actually defend me when someone wrongs me, not just say they will.

I want someone that will give me my space when I need it, without making me feel bad.

I want someone that will write me notes. I love notes. And not overly sappy ones that make me feel like I need to shower off the sticky sweetness. Just notes.

I want someone that understands that phonecalls should last no longer than a minute if at all possible.

I want someone that loves animals. Specifically dogs. That's a must.

I want someone that knows what they want to do in life. If I can have a plan for life, so can you.

I want someone that loves wide open spaces. Living in the country, but still close enough that a mall is 20 minutes away.

No. Emo. Kids. Stop thinking the world is out to get you. You make me want to stab my eyes out.

I want someone that isn't afraid to get into an insult match. Humor is a requirement in life. Without it, life sucks.

I want someone that's not afraid to fight with me. Grow some balls and yell at me if I do something bitchy!

I want someone that makes me mix CDs that mean something to them. I love music, and a lot of times music I play has lyrics that mean something. I'd like a guy that can appreciate my love for music.

I want someone that will go out of their way for me. Not all the time, because that's ridiculous. But every once and awhile.

I want someone that will show up at my door and appologize when they've done something wrong. Again, not every time, but maybe once.

I have a bad boy fetish...

I also think black tattoos on one shoulder blade is about the hottest thing in the world.

I love lean muscle. Not bulky body builder crap. Lean muscle. Mmmm.

I love longish hair.

Guys that are good with kids = major points.

Guys that have a kid = adorable.

I love a guy that can dance!


...and that's what I have thought of for now.

There is probably no guy that can fill all of this. But a girl can always dream.